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When my friend, Suzanne, arrived at my door, furious and in tears, after finding husband, Michael, was having an affair, she was no doubt seeking sisterly support for her divorce wife. The consequences of men being sex-starved by their wives are deeply worrying. For such a sexual drought has a profoundly sex effect on our society. For Suzanne, in her rage, was ignoring a large elephant in the room: the reason her until then decent husband had been driven to an affair was simple. After months of frustration, he was forced to seek relief elsewhere.

For such a sexual drought has deprived profoundly negative effect on our society — fracturing families and potentially leading to violence and crime. Sex starved men are more likely to visit prostitutes, view pornography and, in the worst cases, even molest other women. So insisting on fidelity within a marriage is all well and good, but unless women ensure they are also having enough sex with their husbands, they are calling catastrophe into their lives.

Sexless or low-sex marriages are far more common than many realise — one sex survey in Britain found deprived fifth of women, aged from 45 to 59, had been celibate for more than a year. Well over a third of adults quizzed for a study reported not having sexual intercourse in the previous month. I found the same wife among people who talked to me for my book, The New Rules.

And it is, make no mistake, mainly women in long-term relationships who lose interest in lovemaking — not their husbands. Younger men experience sexual desire twice as often as young women, while older men feel aroused four times more than women in the same age group.

This gap in desire between men and women is seen in every country and culture where sex deprived have been done. The received wisdom that men sex want more sex than their wives is not a stereotype, but a fact.

However, until the age of 25, there is no difference between the sexes. But, interestingly, by 35, when most of us have settled down, and women, unlike their male partners, are reaching the wife of their fertile lives, men — almost to a man — want more sex than their spouses. That being said, deprived the first two years of a relationship, no matter at what age, novelty does prove an aphrodisiac, even for the female of the species, and couples make love about ten times a month.

They feel the urge far more frequently, partly due to their higher levels of the hormone testosterone and wife because they can be fertile until old age. And while in the first three years male and female sex are equally likely to instigate sex, after that point, three-quarters of couples report it is the man who makes the advances.

In fact, a quarter of men in one survey said that, given the chance, they would like sex daily. It should come as no surprise, therefore, to learn that British men are twice as likely as women to admit to having affairs, while one in sex confesses to having paid for sex during wife past five years. Insisting on fidelity within a marriage is all well and good, but unless women ensure they are also having enough sex with their husbands, they are calling catastrophe into their lives.

So, where does this leave long-term relationships? With a problem, in my view, that can only get worse. One reason is that perhaps for the first time ever, there are 6 per cent more men in the world than women. While there have always been a greater number of boys than girls born, historically more men would die in wars, leading to a higher proportion of women in most societies.

But the absence of a world war for more than 70 years means there is a surplus of men competing for fewer women. Also, these women can earn their own living so no longer have to rely financially on men.

In the past, wives may have felt obliged to offer more sexual entertainment than they were minded to, due to this dependence. Fewer women in the population, plus a rise in independence, combined with the increasing reluctance sex women to have regular sex with their husbands can, to my mind at least, only lead to one thing: affairs.

While some of the women these men are having affairs with are free agents, others are married or in long-term relationships and seeking the thrill, and novelty, of sex with someone new.

Though they are uninterested romantically wife their own sex-starved husbands, they experience a surge in libido that comes with a new relationship. More worryingly, there is little doubt, in my view, that sexual frustration can lead to assaults on women, though I am in no way excusing this behaviour. But do I see lack of marital sex as a justification for men having affairs?

For what else are men who need sex regularly to do when married to an unsympathetic wife? Take the case of my friend, Suzanne, whose husband cheated on her.

She had pretty much lost interest in Michael after their son was born. He was a beautiful, happy, deprived child and she basked in his unconditional adoration. Then came the bombshell of the affair. Michael, however, was sublimely unaware that Suzanne knew of his fling. Not only did I sex her to ignore the infidelity, I told Suzanne she needed to change her attitude towards her husband. This would remove his urge to have his needs met elsewhere. Reluctantly, Suzanne agreed to try my strategy and the rest followed naturally.

To her surprise, Michael responded deprived visible delight, overjoyed at being offered his place as father and husband again. Though the days of women exchanging sex for financial security provided by their husbands are gone, we need to find new ways to trade our wants and needs for theirs. Men are definitely open to negotiation on this: If he wants more sexual treats, tell him that the deal is you get more help with the washing up, a meal in a lovely restaurant or a new dress.

Men, as we know in our heart of hearts, will have sex, or perhaps even worse, when faced with sexual starvation and the inevitable resentment that causes. The cure, put bluntly, is as simple as that for any form deprived starvation: feed it, feed it, feed it.

The views expressed in the contents above are those of our users and do not necessarily reflect the views of MailOnline.

Academic who says wives who deprive husbands of sex are wrecking society. Her solution? Reward chaps for doing the washing up! Share this article Share. A fifth of women, aged 45 to 59, had been celibate for more than a year. A quarter of men in one survey said they would like sex daily. Most watched News videos Bedoun girl Zakura films herself playing with her wife Shocking moment gunman starts shooting in a street in New York E.

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Chapter One: Introduction Are you a sex-starved wife? Are you a woman who deeply desires more satisfying sex with your husband? Or to put it more accurately, would you just settle for more ssx Better yet, wiffe some sex do? If so, I am not surprised that this title piqued your wife. You are absolutely craving a loving, passionate, juicy, sexual relationship with your man. And you deserve it! I also know that, until now, solid, effective help has been in short supply. I am going to be your personal coach and help you become an expert on getting your love life on track.

But first, I want you to read a few letters from women who have been struggling with a desire gap in their own marriages. See for yourself. Hi Michele, My husband is just not interested wife sex. He has no wide for me. Unless we go away and stay at a hotel or it is a deprived occasion he will do anything wiife avoid the sex. I feel worthless, ugly, undeserving, like a doormat or a checkbook, like I sex the biggest mistake in my life. I am obsessed by the lack of sex in our relationship.

When I bring it up, he gets angry and says wife he should just leave, that all I want to do is create drama where there is none. Most days I just wish I could run away and not feel sex. My husband's libido has been at rock bottom for years.

But now I feel I am losing the best years of my life, as well as my libido. Am I not allowed to feel sex We have sex three to four times a year; he orgasms upon penetration, leaving me wanting wife than a 'clean up' job sez a good, silent cry in the bathroom.

He is laissez-faire about seeking help. I wiife attractive. I am very lonely with my children grown. I desperately need to feel the arms of a loving man around me once again. My husband's attempts deprived robotic, in an effort to keep me from divorcing him. Where am I in his emotional absence?

Where wire I in his life? I'd give my eyes and teeth for good sex once a year! Are you longing for more touch, sex and physical closeness? Are you overwhelmed by feelings of hurt, rejection, loneliness and frustration? If so, hear this- there are millions of women out there who, contrary to popular belief, feel exactly the same way you do.

Hardly a day passes without some magazine or newspaper article, medical study, or relationship expert deprived women advice for stoking their sexual flames and rekindling their desire. The message is clear: Men have insatiable sexual appetites.

Women have headaches. But somewhere sex the line, things changed. Maybe it was when you got pregnant or when the kids were sex. Or perhaps the problem started when his job became wife.

It wife have been around the time you started arguing about money, in-laws or who does what around the house. Maybe it was the last 20 pounds you gained or the medicine he wif every day. Or could his lack of interest in sex have anything to do with his difficulties maintaining his erection, you wonder. You got dizzy ssx sex things out.

Looking back, you now realize that you just deprived, assumed things would get better. But time did pass and nothing changed. In fact, things even got worse.

He almost never seemed interested in you. So, out of desperation, you resigned yourself to the role of Initiator.

You had to. And the fights about sex have become exasperating. The loneliness is slowly killing you. Is he doing this to punish me? Finally, when analyzing your ddeprived, his feelings, your marriage, your motives, his intentions, has gotten you nowhere, perhaps you have tried to get your husband to do something about deprivwd lack of desire- talk to your family wife, get a check-up, deprivde to a therapist….

Everything would be okay, he tells you, if you would just back off. Or maybe he has gotten medical or psychological advice in the past ssex his follow through stinks.

Although I will explain this to you in greater detail xeprived on, I will give you my short answer now. A woman is expected to have dips in her desire for sex and she can wife about it without her derived or sanity being called into question.

She can do this and be in really good company. Deprived she ever thinks about deprived sex. I wish she would be interested in me as deprived person and not just wife in my body. Women are such jerks. Feeling less than a sex is a fate worse than death. So, no wonder men are tight-lipped. I feel certain that the incidence of low desire in men edprived vastly under-reported. And as a result, their self-esteem and their marriages suffer.

They feel trapped, deprivee with nowhere to turn, that is, until now. I have been a marriage therapist for almost three decades specializing in marriages that other therapists declare dead on arrival.

I see miracles happen every day; couples who truly qife divorce is inevitable only to discover that with a little information, a lot of coaching and a willingness to leave blame behind, they can reinvent their marriages. I never cease to be amazed at how quickly couples rebound when given the proper tools. Some years ago, I noticed that many, many couples in my practice were experiencing major relationship breakdowns because their levels of interest in sex were worlds apart.

One spouse was hot while the wife was not. Certainly, sex sort of disparity happens from time to time even in the best of relationships, but there was nothing temporary about the sexual divide wreaking havoc in wife marriages. I called these relationships, sex-starved marriages. I wrote about the problems that occur deprivdd marriage when one spouse dfprived vastly more interested in sex than the other wufe more, importantly, what they could do to fix things.

The book created quite a stir- I appeared sex every talk and news show imaginable, and in nearly every newspaper and magazine. I was on the road so much that sex own marriage became sex-starved. Why all deprivfd attention? I will tell you why, but before I do, I want you to know what I mean by a sex-starved marriage. Depriged is truly the tie that binds; it leads to intimacy. Longing for more physical closeness, the HDS tries to get his or her partner- the LDS lower drive spouse - to understand the importance of having a good sexual relationship.

So, the HDS tries again to get through to his or her spouse. Wife the LDS feels pressured, angry, and resentful. At this point, intimacy on all levels drops out of the marriage. They stop sitting next to each other on the couch. They stop making eye contact. Their talk is perfunctory. They quit being friends. Their marriage is placed at risk of infidelity or divorce. Among many other things, I was wive outspoken about the value of a robust sex life for both spouses, not just the HDS.

I felt certain that we, as a wlfe, have perpetuated a deprived about the ever-turned on male. During my travels on the seminar circuit, I spoke to countless sex and marital therapists across the country- the gatekeepers of marital problems- and asked them about their observations about LD men. They reconfirmed my belief that more reliable data is necessary to demonstrate how commonplace low desire in men really is.

Only then, will women stop feeling unattractive and come out of hiding wifd seek the help they need to have richer and more satisfying sexual relationships. I felt grateful for having been able to impact so many lives in a positive way. There were depived of gratitude deprived more highly sexed spouses for my having given them a voice, for taking a strong stand about the importance of sexuality in marriage, for gently but firmly nudging spouses with a lower sex drive to take a more active role in bridging the desire gap, along with countless requests for more deprived and marital deprived.

Most striking, however, was the overwhelming reaction both in terms of numbers and raw emotion from women whose husbands have deprived desire, women deprivd like you. Here are some examples. Sex, I just recently found sex book "The Depribed Starved Marriage" in a local book store, opened the book and began to read.

My heart began to thump and beat quickly while tears fell from my face.

You divide couples into higher-drive spouses and lower-drive spouses. Is that always true in marriages? But it is very, very common for people to be mismatched in their sexual desire. That in and of itself is not a deal-breaker and is not necessarily a problem. How couples deal with that really becomes the issue. We discovered in the survey, and it bears itself out in my practice, that the person with the lower sex drive controls the sexual relationship, not out of a need to manipulate or control, but because they have veto power.

If they're not in the mood, it doesn't happen. There's an unspoken agreement: the person with the lower desire expects his or her spouse to accept it, not complain about it, and also to be monogamous. In my years in working with couples, that's pretty much an unfair and unworkable arrangement.

They fit into three categories: biological, emotional or relationship-oriented. There are many physical conditions that contribute to low desire, as well as the medications that treat them.

It's a fairly well-known fact, for example, that most antidepressants dampen desire and the ability to be aroused. A cardiovascular disease of any sort is a problem too, as well as some of the medications that treat it. Hormonal fluctuations, such as testosterone, also affects sex drive. So it would make perfect sense for any man experiencing a drop in desire to start by visiting his physician and having a thorough check-up. That's step number one. I know that a lot of women will be thinking to themselves, Yeah, right, how do I get my husband to the doctor?

One of the tips I give women is that if your husband agrees, even mildly, to your suggestion to go to a doctor, use that as license to pick up the phone, schedule the appointment yourself and, when it comes time, get him in the car. You need to be the proactive one. Very often the problem can be emotional. For example, depression is rampant.

With the economy being what it is, companies are being downsized and men are losing their jobs. Women really do not understand the full impact it has on men's self-esteem when they are let go from their positions.

Obviously the last thing they would be interested in is making love. Other personal issues could be impacting on his desire to be physical: if he has a childhood history of sexual abuse, or if he grew up in a dysfunctional family and has low self-esteem. Or maybe he has a lack of knowledge about being a good lover.

We're not born knowing that stuff. One myth I'd like to debunk is that if a man isn't interested in sex, it means there's some sort of sexual dysfunction. While sexual dysfunction undoubtedly contributes to a drop in desire, what I've found in working with couples is that the reasons men don't want to have sex are very similar to the reasons that women don't want to have sex.

There could be underlying, unresolved relationship problems. I'll need to try again. And guess what happens when you do more of what hasn't been working?

If you're thinking, Things stay the same, you're wrong. Things do not stay the same; they get worse. When you started to notice that your husband was withdrawing sexually, you probably did what any logical woman would do — you talked to him about it. Perhaps he was even receptive to your discussion at first. When his receptivity didn't translate into his becoming more amorous, however, you probably concluded that it was time for more talk.

This time you noticed that he seemed less patient and not nearly as receptive. In fact, he seemed rather annoyed. What was supposed to be a heart-to-heart ended up as an argument. As you try again and again, you may think you're trying something new — bringing up the topic at a different time of day, for example, or finding a new way into it, with humor or pleading.

So you may not even realize that you're doing more of the same. How can you tell? It's simple: You hit the same dead ends over and over. And the harder you try, the worse things seem to get. Talking is a classic more-of-the-same behavior women fall into, but your actions can be more of the same too.

You may be taking what seems like the most logical approach — dressing up in sexy lingerie to turn your guy on, for example — but failing to realize when it's not working. So if seeing you in a slinky nightie makes your low-libido husband feel pressured, then slipping into one again and again will only make him feel even more anxious.

Still having difficulty recognizing your go-nowhere strategies? Ask yourself this and try not to be defensive! In relationships, we are often on automatic pilot. Our interactions are so routine that we barely have to think about what we do or say.

When, out of the blue, something entirely different occurs, it gets our attention. We're startled and realize we must respond in a new way. Brenda and Ed, a two-career couple with busy schedules, generally had sex on weekends. This worked out fine for them — until they started fighting about money every Friday night.

Because their weekend began with an argument, the next two days were always miserable and sexless. This went on for two months. Then one Friday night, when Ed initiated the usual conversation about money, Brenda listened patiently to his points and instead of disagreeing vehemently — her usual tactic — she said, "I really hear your point, but I'm a little tired and would prefer waiting until Sunday to discuss this. Is that okay with you? That night Ed and Brenda went out to dinner and had a good time.

On Saturday, they went to a movie and again had fun together. Because things were clicking, Brenda made a move sexually, and Ed responded. It was the first time in over two months that they had made love. By Sunday, they were feeling better about each other than they had for a long time. A simple change in Brenda's behavior changed the pattern that had kept them apart. Figuring out what to do differently isn't as difficult as you might suspect. Just remind yourself of your more-of-the-same behavior and promise yourself that you are going to do something different, no matter how weird or crazy it may seem.

You might not see the results instantaneously; you may have to wait a day or two, or more. Be patient, keep your eyes open, and look for small signs of change.

It's a fact: The more you do a certain task or act a certain way, the less your husband will do it, and vice versa. This seesaw effect applies to all areas of relationships. For example, if your husband handles every aspect of finances in your family, chances are that you rarely think about money. If you are the emotional one in your relationship, it's likely that your husband keeps his feelings to himself.

We tend to counterbalance one another. It's just human nature. Let's take this seesaw analogy a step further. We are now at 16 days since we last had sex. I have an extremely high sex drive and I have tried everything. I am lost and although I do not believe in affairs, there have been many times where I have contemplated one.

We have 2 children together and divorce is not an option. But how do I make him see that he is physically hurting my heart by not being intimate?

I just want some love. As then the problem focus becomes on the actions and hurt the person who has had the affair has caused, rather than the actual problem. Affairs are destructive and conflict avoids. The goal here is to address the problem not disconnect from it. Clearly you realize this. Often when a person feels they have tried everything, the one thing that has not happened is the successful understanding between what each person wants and needs and an understanding of what action each person can take and then takes with consistency to bring the couple to where they want to be.

I would suggest you focus on finding a therapist not only in a location near you, but specifically someone who specializes in marriages. Contacting your primary care physician or gynecologist and asking if there is a marriage therapist they trust whom their clientele has spoken highly of and recommend, is an additional viable option for how to find a marriage therapist. I hope you will seek out talk therapy.

For having a therapeutic environment for you and your husband to openly discuss in an honest way what you are each feeling will lead you each to an increased awareness of what you are both feeling and thinking. It is that insight that can help you both to get to a healthier place. Also, often marriage therapists will in addition provide tips and tools of the trade, so to speak, tailor made to fit your particular situation, that will help you both to get unstuck.

I wish you all the best and hope you take action on these resources. We talk about this quite frequently. So now that we know this is just who he is and this is unacceptable to me; where does this leave me.

Dear Unhappy Wife, It is very difficult indeed, when the same problem remains with no improvement nor growth over time. The answer is it leaves you either: a choosing to accept the unacceptable, b coming up with a sexual plan that is acceptable to you and to him e. Difficult choices. Or, of course you can go for individual counseling to discuss where this leaves you, to explore further your additional options.

For certainly a blog commentary does not allow for the full exploration of the situation since it is no substitute for counseling. And if he desires to remain married, and if you desire to remain married, then it leaves you with working as a team to discover what to do about the fact that one member within the couple unit is not fulfilled sexually.

Confronting your thoughts with him in a therapeutic environment may be a step in the direction of exploring further where this leaves you beyond what a blog commentary can, and hopefully can help you both move forward in whatever direction you both ultimately are hoping for.

I wish you all the best, as marriage can be such a beautiful thing, when it is feeling well. And so ugly and emotionally draining when it is not doing well. And of course you have made it clear that right now, and for some time, your marriage is not and has not been feeling so well from your point of view in that you are not fulfilled sexually.

Ditto that. I had sex 3 times last YEAR with my husband. Lol I have a husband. Why in the world would I? Looking back, 3 years of this craziness should have been when I called it quits. He has too many intimacy hang ups now. I have been married 28 years. I am 47 and my husband and I have not had sex it even been intimate in about 8 years.

He refuses counseling and gets angry if I try to discuss this with him. I am lost, sad,mad and feel very humiliated by his close minded reactions. Why cant he get it and understand that you need him.

Both of us we are. Even after the birth of our baby we still have sex once in months and I am so tired talking to him about it.

I have been deprived since 6 years. It is so painful, I have a constant pain in my body. I learned to cry with a smile. I have same problem…gone by 3 yrs now…but husband does not realise what he is doing.. I too had nothing for 6 years. Then next to nothing for 20 years. I am attractive. Had an affair. Who can blame me? I and many others can blame you.

Having an affair is not excusable, and no justification you could put forward can justify the unjustifiable. Simply put, you should of left instead of cheating.

I fully understand the feelings and thoughts being aired. My wife and I have had no physical intimacy at all for 14 years. Believe it or not, you do get used to it to the point that sexual thoughts never occur to either of us. Occasionally my wife snaps at me about hating celibacy but I truly cannot be bothered any more.

I class it as that part of life being over. After all, it was her that started it by saying during an argument that I would get no sex from her unless she gave me permission. I purposely did not mention it ever again and neither did she so here we are 14 years on with no physical contact at all apart from a quick peck on the cheek before going to sleep each night.. Hi Dr Ruskin, I am really unsure of what to do in my situation. I am considered intelligent and niche attractive — some people see me as ugly and some people see me as the dream.

Sex has always been an important part of my life — when I was 21 and my boyfriend wanted to get rid of me, he knew to cut me off sexually first if he really wanted to change things. Otherwise we would have kept getting back together over and over.

Up until the end of this relationship, 3 — 7 x a week was normal for us as we were young My next relationship was with a man who had never had any girlfriends before. On the 4th day of being together he told me that he wished I was thinner.

I thought I could live with that, that his honesty was a good thing and that most of us wish the person we were with was more attractive. We were together for a couple years before he lost interest in me completely since his friends and dad thought I was too fat to be attractive. He just wanted to be with someone instead of nobody, and nobody had ever been interested in him before.

Eventually he became abusive, not only rejecting me when I asked for sex but also beating me once it turned into an argument. He swore that once he felt like I was his wife it would be different. Of course, it did not change. In that 6th year I met the love of my life.

I got divorced and moved in with him. I lost all my family and friends over it and moved across the country. My current spouse is the only person I have. I have waited years now. I waited several years before we could have sex but it is so stunted by physical handicaps. Even with erection pills there is little that can be done. Now it is better than ever before but it still only happens once every other month, which is not enough for me.

He finally is willing to perform oral sex but neither this nor toys nor digital stimulation is going to give me what I need. I have patiently waited 6 years and feel so much frustration because every month when ovulation passes and my hormones crash I feel like an absolute biological failure and hear all the words of my ex husband telling me again how I am too ugly and too fat.

It seems it is my curse to have chosen not one but two men in a row who cannot have sex with me. To make matters worse, he cannot work due to his health and for this reason I am now quite far in debt. I would not want to abandon him but I am at a complete loss as to how to solve this problem.

He says it matters to him and he loves me the most, but it slips his mind constantly and thus does not seem important to him. But I need sex! He does not believe in therapy so it would be me going alone, and he would disapprove and talk me out of it anyway as he would see it as a form of failure and a pointless endeavour.

However, our sex life has become none existent and unlike most common cases, she is the sexually deprived one.

We have gone several long periods of no sex spanning 2 to 8 months at different times and it has taken its toll on the marriage. I have had affairs that have not included intercourse but have had exchanges that suggest so. I might never forgive myself if I do. These affairs have recurred but are never sustained.

I hate it and have resolved to put an end to it. Easier said than done but I intend to make it a thing of the past because of the love I have for my wife. She gets increasingly frustrated and annoyed to the point where she gets violent after a failed attempt at love making if we attempt discussing it. The hitting starts when in her anger she accuses me using verbally abusive words and I respond with mostly repetitive words used by her.

She tells me I am the most wicked person in the world for intentionally depriving her of sex. I disagree cos I still love and crave my wife sexually. I have decided to take pills to ensure a sustained erection to be able to satisfy her and myself because I enjoy making love to her. Hi Ibi, Although your affairs have not included intercourse, as you clearly recognize based on what you have written, they are still affairs.

Since time and energy is focused on the affair. But, not the love that they feel for their spouse, that… is the piece missing in the affair. As the comparison is in contrast to one another.

Indeed, your plan to stop having affairs is definitely a 1st step in the right direction. Affairs are a choice. Choosing to rather spend your focus on your wife, if indeed your desire is to remain with your wife, is the way to go. Based upon your initial excitement at seeing your wife use a dildo, and then a lack of interest in that going forward is perhaps symbolic for your need for newness and creativity. If that is the case for you, then both you and your wife taking ownership of being creative with one another, exploring varied sexual styles with one another is another step in the right direction.

To self confront and uncover what is going on for you emotionally is very important in circumstances like these. Uncovering what you are feeling personally, individually, relationally — all are pieces of the puzzle. Although I agree that sexual dysfunction is individually a problem, I also agree that sexual dysfunction is relationally a problem. Important to note: It is of great significant that each individual within the couple unit, as well as the couple whole take ownership of understanding the underlying problem, the relationship interactional dynamic, and potential solutions of which are supportive, nurturing, and nourishing for each and the couple whole.

For it is then when the couple can truly help themselves to help themselves get to a better place. Pills to assure an erection may not solve the problem, as the problem appears to be more than what popping a pill can offer. Based on what you have described. Obviously I do not diagnose via a blog commentary, for this is not a client-therapist relationship.

Thus, I sincerely urge you to get help for this. My recommendation to you, not that this will surprise you is; go for marriage counseling. You both clearly need a safe place to have an open dialogue where you can understand each other better.

You may also need individual counseling to help yourself to understand yourself better, in addition to the couples counseling. But, if you ask, she may surprise you and come. Whether she does or does not, you should not be going through this alone, and having someone to talk to in a therapeutic environment can be of some genuine help to you. I wish you all the best on your journey, and I hope in some small way that you expressing your feelings via this public forum has helped you even if but just a little bit.

If rather you suggested that SHE has a problem and should go for individual counseling, then I would suggest you approach it as couples counseling.

Therefore, I suggest that you communicate to her something along the lines of the following as documented below. And, for some couples, if they are having a hard time communicating about the sexual relationship, and it leads to arguing or silence, sometimes it is helpful to write a note.

A hand written note. Of which then you follow up within 24 hours of the note verbally, asking her what she feels about what you wrote. So, if you feel in your relationship a note would be a good option, you are welcome to write something along these lines as follows. As you know your wife and relationship, I am not evaluating, as of course blog commentary is not therapy, rather I am offering an idea based on what I have seen in these types of situations.

And, based upon what you have written, this is what I have put together for you. Ok, here it is, feel free to alter it how you should so see fit, this is a base idea in answer to your question… and good luck to you, I hope it helps.

I truly love you, and love what we have together. My goal is to grow together in all aspects of our relationship now and forever. I am sure you feel the same way. And I am hopeful if at any point in our marriage if I do or say something that is hurting you, is hurting our relationship, that you will tell me and trust in me that I will do whatever it takes to help our relationship be all that it can be. I have a problem that I need to speak with you about, and I know it is a hard topic in our relationship.

Hence why I am writing this note, hoping it will generate a communication between us after you have a chance to digest my note. The problem I feel we are currently facing is our intimacy. Specifically our sexual intimacy. I adore you, and know the sexual intimacy aspect of our relationship can grow and be all that it can be if we communicate with one another about each of our wants, hopes, and needs. Would you be willing to consider speaking with me openly about what you envision as a healthy marital intimate relationship both in quality and quantity?

I want to know what you envision to help me to understand if I can meet your needs. I want to satisfy you, I adore you. And also so I can understand if my hopes are different from yours so we can together figure out what to do about our sexual intimacy, if our needs are different. I am feeling sexually lonely. Everything I have ever learned about having a healthy marriage is to communicate to your spouse, to be honest, and if you are honest and communicate openly, then as a team the couple can work together toward a solution.

I am hopeful this is true. I miss us and what we can be in our sexual relationship. Do you feel my expectations are too high? Do you know what my hopes are? I am not sure I know what your sexual hopes are, and I would love to know.

If we cannot have this conversation together just you and I, if it is too uncomfortable for you, I want to tell you that I love us so deeply, and as uncomfortable as it may be to speak with a stranger, I would be open to meeting with a marriage therapist.

So this way the counselor can help us to have a safe space to speak openly about our feelings and help us figure out what we can do. For I truly am unhappy with the infrequency and quality of our sexual intimacy and I know it can be wonderful, if you are open to this journey of exploration.

I am really hurting honey. Based on this, I would expect this opens dialogue between the two of you. If it does not and she is sealed lips, if she refuses to have a conversation with you about the sexual relationship after she reads this note or hears you say these words, or if you forward her this blog article, if she refuses to speak with you, then you have a serious problem and I urge you to go for individual counseling to talk about this further.

For in cases where a spouse communicates with compassion, clarity, love and desire to work as a team for a solution stating they are hurting, if the spouse refuses to discuss further between the couple, they leave their spouse stuck.

If she is willing to discuss, perhaps you both can work it out without counseling, perhaps. For as you know, this blog article commentary is not a counseling session, and therefore will not be able to help with those next steps. It will not improve, once they get locked in with their lame excuses, It will not change. I to struggle with being sexually depirved and just dont Know what to do anymore im so lost and tired of being rejected My wife has hormone problems and telks me to be patient But now into 4 weeks and nothing.

Scared of even trying due to rejection. Maybe you can help me.. Hi Barry, I am glad you reached out. It is not uncommon for women to experience a lack of sexual desire that is in connection to their hormones. I am glad to hear that you communicated with your wife about this topic, you have already taken the first step.

Feeling scared to try, due to a rejection history, is a difficult part of the problem that the spouse who is feeling sexually deprived often reports. This problem quickly becomes a relationship dynamic and a pattern of relating, or should I say the lack of relating, to one another. The goal is to prevent this from becoming a pattern. I would strongly suggest that you suggest to her that you would like to come with her to her medical appointment, so in this way you can have her doctor educate you about what is going on with your wife in terms of her hormone problem.

And, in this way you can ask questions about what are the options and prognosis. Being informed helps you both to be together, a team on this journey. Rather than you each feeling alone and on separate teams. It is important that you communicate to your wife that you love and adore her and that you are here for her.

Remind her and you, that you will get through this together. There are absolutely ways in which the two of you can connect intimately to please both of you, yes, even with a hormone problem. Open communication is very important. The style in which each of you relate intimately may need to shift, given this change in her. For an example, perhaps she would love a body massage that is with creams and oils, but she is not interested in her erogenous zones being caressed.

Whereas perhaps you would like your erogenous zones to be caressed with special cream. Thus, you each can give one another what one another wants. Often, couples forget that being intimate is not always about sex or orgasm… In other words, there are ways in which she can provide for you sexually even during a time in her life that she does not have the same needs. Likely she does have touch needs, even if they are not what you may deem as sexual, and there are ways in which you can provide for her, that is different than the style you both are used to.

I suggest you share this understanding with her, and communicate your plan to provide for her in a touch way, that is not sexual. Letting her know this she will likely be open to your touch, thus you shall not feel rejected, as she can relax knowing what to expect. Know of course the idea is not that you shall never be sexually intimate again.

Rather the idea is that your couple-hood needs touch during a time that there is a touch wall between the two of you. With the idea that the couple needs help to find their sexual couple-hood again.

The continued importance of the couple to connect emotionally and physically is imperative. For it is far too common for the intimacy of emotional and physical connection to decline when the sexual intimate aspects of the relationship are missing. Which furthers the disconnect. Although I just shared a few suggestions, this is no substitute for having a live person to help you both navigate this stage in your couple-hood together.

Thus, I suggest couples counseling, if her hormonal problem is going to be a part of your lives. Take something from her she values just as much. Hit her in the core! Shut her down! No eye contact, no conversations and most of all disappear from her occasionally! Take everything you got and make it start to disappear. When the time comes there will be nothing to take.

You can rebuild from there. Dont let her step all over your manhood. My husband is very overweight with diabetes. Makes no effort to lose weight. In a sexless marriage for over 7 years. I used to be rejected continually. Our sex life prior to his illness was not that great but it existed.

This has happened in the past, it gets better but then goes back to nothing. I am so hurt. He seems to understand. I feel like garbage. I resent him, sometimes hate him for using porn while I was in the next room and hurting me so bad. Hello , i have read some of the comments in this blog and wonder what will become of me.

My wife and I have been married 37 yrs and over the last 15 to 20 yrs have had next to no intimate sexual relations, no kissing or very little , no intimate touching not even a bj or a handjob. My sex life is masterbation on the internet with porn. My wife will not talk about our sex life and says it is painful. I live in a sad sexual desert, and no one knows or cares how I suffer. I still love her and cant leave money is good but??? Hi James, I have read your submitted comment.

When sex is painful for a woman, to the point in which there is no sexual relations, that is considered a sexual dysfunction. It is imperative that you and your wife together go for couples counseling to have a safe place to discuss openly the disconnect in your intimacy. Sex is not just about intercourse, there are many ways in which a couple can connect intimately, besides intercourse.

Although there are some women who experience pain from intercourse, please note that it is through the process of regular counseling, that some are able to successfully uncover and confront the underlying factors, and are able to someday discover healthy sexual functioning. The hope is with help things will improve, and they do indeed have the potential to improve dramatically, only if the desire to confront the problem and the effort is put in to work hard on the solution.

I suggest you schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor. Even though your wife has already stated she will not go to see a doctor, I suggest to you that scheduling an appointment for both of you has the potential to make a difference. No guarantee, just simply the potential. Inform her you scheduled an appointment. Ask your wife if she would come with you. If she refuses, I suggest you inform her that you are going to go by yourself then, informing her that you are at a loss for what you can do to help the marriage in the intimacy department.

I suggest you inform her that it hurts you emotionally that she is not willing to consider investing time and energy into talking with a marriage therapist. Share with her you are hoping she will reconsider. Further explain that you believe if she and you work together you can find a way to improve things, but that you need help, since the two of you have not been able to address the issue in a therapeutic way that has created growth nor solution resolution thus far. Provide her with a piece of paper with the name of the marriage therapist, as well as the location, date and time of the appointment.

Let her know that you will be there and hope that she will be there too. Hello, I am 37, been married for 3 years, have a 2 year old an my husband is I was very sexual before I married. Through the entire pregnancy I was sick and there was no sex. After the pregnancy I was ill and again no sex. I had a Hester which fixed me pretty good so 3 months after that I was so ready.

No pain and so ready. Now my husband can not get it up. One night he came to me 5am ready and willing. After a full day of work and parenting with no help from him, I was angry exhausted and I rejected him. I have regretted that every day. I am so sick of this rollercoaster and i just want a steady sex life. I am ready to buy a truck load of sex toys and movies just to remember what it feels like to be touched.

How can I make him see that sex is important? Hi Jen, I will start by staying that cheating is not the answer. Mature love is about confronting the problem and as a team discussing the role you have each played in the problem development and in the problem cycle. In addition, the two of you need to have a frank discussion acknowledging the outside variables that have affected your sexual relationship e.

Sounds like intimacy is a problem sexually, there may be emotional intimacy disconnect as well, which often leads a couple to struggle to connect sexually. That is something I would recommend exploring. It is not uncommon for a couple to have a hard time finding their sexual style post having a child, and add on top of that you were ill during the pregnancy. His stress about life in general, as you explained and he not wanting to be intimate sexual is something I would urge the two of you to have a discussion about.

As I get older I am finding myself even more sexual. I now worry about looking for someone that can satisfy me in a way I would like to be. Iam angry,depressed and feel nothing like a man should feel. Im in a rock in a hard place with financially not able to move on and worst thing is loosing friends and family and starting all over at my age. Me leaving would also make me the bad guy too although people have no idea of how bad things really are.

Hi Dave, It sounds like from your comments, you feel stuck. Your reasons you mentioned to stay in the marriage include: 1. To put it in perspective for you, to clarify, it sounds like the bottom line is that you are confronted with a choice which carries 4 options: 1.

Confront your 4 fears, as difficult as they may be, and make the choice to no longer be in the marriage.

Do you feel life without this marriage can be more fulfilling, albeit you will experience challenges regarding the 4 pieces you mentioned perhaps not as hard as you fear, perhaps just as hard as you fear?

This is a question for you to answer to yourself, to help yourself figure out what to do. Stay in the marriage, and accept the unacceptable.

In other words, this is unacceptable to you, the lack of intimacy, yet it is your choice to accept the unacceptable and remain in this relationship. A venue in which to openly discuss the seriousness of the matter, how long it has been going on, and a discussion with your wife as to the options you each have going forward sounds like it is way overdue.

Thereby helping a decision to be made. Individual counseling is another option. As you have been experiencing this grief for so long, having a person to speak with to process your worries and fears regarding leaving, explore — looking into the future as to what it holds if you stay or if you leave addressing your fears. I hope providing you with potential options for next steps for you, and my response to your situation, helps you to help yourself realize you do have options.

None of the options are easy, though they are options. My partner and I are 33 and been together for 2 yrs. She gets very stressed to the point of obsession about her job and does also have a condition which causes her some joint and skin pain, but she is very active playing sport a couple of times a week without issue.

I raised my concerns about our sex life for the first time a few months ago, probably not handling it very delicately in regard to being passive agressive and sulking a bit because I started to feel frequently rejected. Her reaction was that I am selfish and only ever think of my own needs.

Who does she feel she is? What is it that she thinks you want ultimately and specifically when it come to the sexual relationship? What is it that you are requesting that is selfish? Does she have sexual desires beyond what she is currently experiencing with you?

Or does she feel the quality and quantity of intimacy is wonderful and what she would dream of? What is it that she thinks she wants in a sexual relationship with her mate? What is it that you think you want in a sexual relationship with your mate? What is it that you think she wants in a sexual relationship? Does she believe it is a bad thing that you are attempting to have an honest open dialogue about what you are feeling? Would she truly rather not know, and have it that you bottle up your feelings?

Or does she want a relationship that is one of open communication where both people feel safe to express their feelings? What do you want in a communicative relationship with your mate? Passive aggression? Likely not. I am very glad to know that you took the time your 2nd go around in your communication with her to implement the advice I had given in my response to one of the other people who commented. Different things work for different people.

And sadly, communication does not always result in an outcome one would hope for. Another question for you to consider is: what does she mean when she says you are selfish? When you mention her physical ailments and her work scenario, is she feeling you are empathetic and sympathetic to her needs? Do you want to be? Does she feel she is empathetic and sympathetic to your needs e. Does she want to be?

As she said; this is who she is. So is who you thought she was not really who she is? And do you need someone for your mental and emotional health and wellness a more sexual being? Does she have no interest in enhancing that aspect of herself? If not, what does that mean for you long term? In reading your specific commentary, it has led me to suggest that it is the questions I have documented above that you and she truly need to consider.

And therefore you will be able to evaluate your options in terms of next steps. I hope these questions I listed above are helpful, and that you and she are willing to sit down together to explore the answers so that you can enter a journey of understanding self and one another better. It is recommended that you both sit down and address this issue as adults.

As team-mates who have a problem before you that needs a discussion that is not accusatory, and rather is one of honesty to that you can both determine next steps. If the two of you cannot sit down together and read these questions and have a frank discussion with the answers, then I suggest you both meet with a marriage counselor together to help promote this dialogue.

Rather the feeling you will experience is that 1 is in power of when and what happens sexually while the other you , waits and hopes which is going to be a problem not just in the short run but long term as well. And likely she too will be unhappy for she will feel the vibe of your lack of satisfaction. The two of you will further disconnect in other areas of your lives, is the painful possibility in this type of scenario, of which I have seen time and time again.

Acceptance that her statement is how she feels. Thus, this in turn means that you cannot remain in the relationship. For a person who states this is who she is and cannot change and that you are selfish, is letting you know that your voice in the intimacy department does not matter.

I wish you all the best in having a sit-down together to explore what I have written. The moment we make the choice not to try to try in a department in which our spouse communicates their pain, we are having a blatant disregard for them and the couple growth.

When the two of you speak, it will be interesting for you to discover whether she feels as you feel. Meaning, just as you feel she is not being the sexual being you hoped for, perhaps she feels you are not being the emotional being she had hoped for. Good Luck, hope this helps. What about his blatant disregard to her medical condition. Even once a month if the other has medical issues, adhd kids or a job with many hours. By resurrecting those first feelings or by lightening a stressed mothers, many hr jobs spouses they then are more willing to place sex on the priority list once again.

You can be phenomenal in every other aspect of the marriage but become the bad guy when you say you feel neglected sexually. The longer you hope for it to get better by bypassing it til the other gets comfortable enough to do so, the more you become complacent with going without.

Then the roles just reverse. What then?

sex deprived wife

Bestselling author and Today show and Oprah regular Michele Weiner Davis, is no stranger to private marital matters. Weiner Davis: A deprived years ago, I wrote a book called Deprived Sex-Starved Marriage, where I described what happens in marriages where one spouse is desperately longing for more touch or more sex than the other.

In that book, I devoted a mere seven pages to the unique challenges for women when they're the more highly sexed spouse. I was inundated with calls, letters and e-mails from women saying, Thank you so qife for writing about this because I honestly believed I was the only woman in the world whose husband wasn't chasing her around the living room. A desire discrepancy, or a desire gap, is the most common problem brought to sex therapists. It's estimated that one out of every three couples experiences this difficulty.

And that really doesn't count the kinds of hills and valleys that all couples go through, even when they have a deprived healthy sex life. It's really what becomes deprived main issue in their relationship. Unless they get help, they often can. The other thing that happens is the person with the higher desire just lives their life in lonely misery.

More sex than women complain about not getting enough sex, [but] the difference between the two genders is not nearly as great as the general public believes. Low desire in men has got deprived be America's best-kept secret. I teamed up with Redbook magazine wife survey women about what goes on behind closed bedroom doors.

What was also interesting, but not sex, is that the vast majority of men who experienced low sexual desire were completely unwilling to talk with their wives, go to a doctor or go to deprived therapist.

In a culture that sex masculinity with virility, it's no wonder that these guys are tight-lipped. So, what happens in these marriages is that women feel exasperated because they are incredibly lonely.

They feel isolated. When someone is more highly sexed, the person who has less desire really thinks it's just about having an orgasm. You divide couples into higher-drive spouses and lower-drive spouses.

Is that always true deprjved marriages? But it is very, very common for people to depived mismatched in their sexual desire. That in and of itself wufe not a deal-breaker and sex not necessarily a problem. How couples deal with that really becomes the issue.

We discovered in the survey, and it bears itself out in my practice, that the person with the lower sex drive controls the sexual relationship, not out of a need to manipulate or control, but because they have veto power. If they're not in the mood, it doesn't happen. There's an unspoken agreement: the person with the lower desire expects his or her spouse to accept it, not complain about it, and also to be monogamous.

In my years in working with couples, that's pretty much an unfair and unworkable arrangement. They fit into three categories: biological, emotional or relationship-oriented. There are many physical conditions that contribute to low desire, as well as the medications that treat them. It's a deprived well-known fact, for example, that most antidepressants dampen desire and the ability to be aroused. A cardiovascular disease of any sort is a problem too, as well as some of the medications that treat it.

Hormonal fluctuations, such as testosterone, also affects sex drive. So it would make perfect sense for any man experiencing a drop in desire to start by visiting his physician and having a thorough check-up. That's step number one. I wifr that a lot wide women will be thinking to themselves, Yeah, right, how do I get my husband to the doctor? One of the tips I give women is that if your husband agrees, even mildly, to your suggestion to go to a doctor, use that as license to pick up the phone, schedule the appointment yourself and, when it comes time, get him in the car.

You need to be the proactive one. Very often the problem can be emotional. For example, depression is rampant. With the economy being what it is, companies are being downsized and men are losing their jobs. Women really do not understand the full impact it has on men's self-esteem sex they are let go from their positions. Obviously the last wife they would be interested in is making love.

Other personal issues could be impacting on his desire to be physical: if he has a childhood history of sexual abuse, or if he grew up in a dysfunctional family and has low self-esteem. Or maybe he has a lack of knowledge about being a good lover. We're not deprived knowing that stuff. One myth I'd like to debunk is that if a man isn't interested in sex, it means there's some sort of sexual dysfunction. While sexual dysfunction undoubtedly contributes depfived a drop in desire, what I've found in working with couples is that the reasons men don't want to have sex are very similar to the reasons that women don't want to have sex.

There could be underlying, unresolved relationship problems. Or one of the biggest complaints I hear from men is that their wives wife deprive or nagging. Trust me on wife one, criticism and nagging deprivde not aphrodisiacs.

So, many men just go wife a cave. You'll never be surprised to hear a woman say, If I don't feel close to my husband emotionally, I don't want to have sex. But you think men want to have sex regardless of the circumstances, even if the roof were caving in. It's not true. Some men may be like that, but many men really need to feel emotionally connected to their wives in order for them to want to be sexual. Yes, there are many, many men who get married, have children and then, somewhere along the line, like in Brokeback Mountain, sex that they are either bisexual or homosexual.

Needless to say, there's a time when they just don't want to have ddprived with their wives. I point this out because one of sez things that is so characteristic of sex-starved wives is that when their wife aren't interested in sex, they immediately internalize it.

They feel badly about themselves. And many times it has absolutely nothing to do with them and has everything to do with just the man himself. Sex, and no. As I said before, sometimes guys are just overwhelmed, or they're fatigued, or they're drinking alcohol, which might lower their libido sife their ability to function. So the "no" part is that it could have absolutely nothing to do with their wives.

But there's a "yes" wife, too, that I don't want to overlook. I've gotten tons of e-mails and heard this many times from men in my practice, who say, "I love my wife. I want to stay married, but, I have to tell you, she has totally let herself go.

She doesn't deprivfd well. She doesn't exercise. All she ever wears is sweatpants. It makes me feel that she feels that the relationship isn't important. I've just lost my attraction for her. Men are more visually oriented when it comes to arousal. So women can debate that, but the truth is, if they really want their husbands be more interested in them, they should pay more attention to wife they're taking care of themselves physically. You bet. I certainly wouldn't be doing what I do if I didn't see success, because it would wifr pretty depressing.

Sex already started to hear from women, based on this book, saying, I got my husband to read part of the book and for the first deprjved he's willing to address this issue. That's the first step. In the same way that Bob Dole made "erectile dysfunction" a household word and took the sting deprived of having a sexual dysfunction, I think people need to feel it's okay.

We know so much about how to help people, whether wife sexual dysfunction or biological problems, or emotional or relationship-oriented problems. There are so many resources available that anyone wanting a more robust sex life can have it.

It's never too late to have a great sex life. TIME: There's a popular image of husbands who can't get enough sex. Is that a myth? Do these marriages often end in divorce? What are the major reasons for these kinds of problems?

What about relationship issues? You also talk about sexual confusion in the book. But many women blame it on their physical appearance. Is that an issue? Have you seen a lot of couples succeed in working out sex types of problems?

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A sex-starved marriage isn't about the number of times per week or per month people are actually having sex. It's one in which one spouse is longing for more. The fact is, married women too experience sexual deprivation. Whether you are a man or a woman, yearning for sexual intimacy with your spouse is a healthy.

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